Why Do I Overinvest in Friendships That Do Not Reciprocate?
The Pattern
You can name the friends right now. The ones you remember birthdays for and who do not remember yours. The ones you show up for whose phone you cannot get returned. The ones you defend in rooms they would not defend you in. You can see it clearly. You cannot stop doing it. You wonder why. The answer is in the body. The friendships you overinvest in are the ones that most closely match the emotional climate of your childhood. You are not earning their love because they are special. You are earning their love because earning is the only mode you know.
Origins & Context
Pia Mellody's work on love addiction and codependence describes the pattern of putting consistently more energy into a relationship than the other person, not because the relationship is good but because the asymmetry itself is familiar. Mellody links this directly to early attachment in which love had to be earned through performance, attunement, or self-erasure.
Pete Walker's work on the fawn response identifies the adult who reflexively offers more than is asked for, anticipates the other's needs, and feels worth only in the act of providing. The fawn-trained adult does not know how to be in a friendship that is balanced. The balance itself reads as cool or absent. The over-giving feels like home.
Harriet Lerner's work on the over-functioning role in relationships completes the picture. The over-functioner attracts and stays attached to under-functioners, not because she chooses them, but because the role she is best at requires them.
You are not earning their love because they are special. You are earning their love because earning is the only mode you know.— Nikita Datar
How It Shows Up
You notice it in the math. You can list the gifts, the rides, the favors, the deep listening. You can also list what came back, and the lists are not the same length. You feel ashamed for keeping track. You also know your body has been keeping track whether you let yourself or not.
It shows up in the way you read her cool tone as a sign you need to try harder. The under-investment looks to you like a problem you can solve with more presence, more thoughtfulness, more attention. Your nervous system is in the same loop it was in at seven, trying to win a parent.
It shows up in the resentment that arrives in a specific moment, usually when you finally need her and she is not there. The resentment is information. It is your body saying the bill on this is unpaid and the account is closed.
Named in the Literature As
The pattern is named in the literature as Love Addiction in friendship (Pia Mellody), the compulsive pursuit of approval through over-giving. It is also named as the Fawn Response in adult relationships (Pete Walker), the reflexive over-attunement that produces asymmetric closeness. Harriet Lerner names this the over-functioning trap.
Related entries in this library: Fawn Response, Codependency, Self-Abandonment, Anxious Attachment.
Nikita's Note
The work is not to start matching her energy exactly. The work is to interrupt the reflex before it leaves your hands. Pause before you send the gift. Pause before you offer the help she did not ask for. Notice what happens in your body when you do not give. That sensation is the wound itself, finally available to be felt.
The friendships that survive your pausing are the real ones. The ones that do not survive were not friendships. They were positions, and you were always going to be the one filling them.
From the work
You are not earning their love because they are special. You are earning their love because earning is the only mode you know.From The Waiting Is the Wound by Nikita DatarAbout this book
Related Concepts
More in The Pattern Atlas
See all in The Pattern Atlas →I wrote about this in The Waiting Is the Wound — available on Amazon.